My battle with a malignant narcissist

Chapter 5

Previous chapters can be found here.

It would appear that we were on our way to having a child.

Being a dad is something I’ve wanted my entire life. And it was happening. Right?

Reality set in fast. We were still broke and all the aspects of REDACTED I had problems dealing with were about to go into hyperdrive.

The frequency of fights would increase and the severity would intensify. I am one that does not enjoy confrontation and I will bend over backwards to avoid it. But I was walking through a minefield I felt I couldn’t survive. And I couldn’t get her behaviors to change. While she wasn’t binging as much as she used to she would still use alcohol, weed, and Adderall that wasn’t always from a pharmacist to cope. That, on top of the immense stress of us being thoroughly unprepared for this was suffocating.

It got to the point where something I never thought could be on the table was being discussed; abortion. I was devastated every time it was even brought up.

We had gone to this pregnancy center that was guised as a place for women to explore their options, but in reality it was a trap by a religious group. This wasn’t a bad thing though. They took her back first to speak with her and much to my surprise I was then called back by a male employee to talk things through. It was actually therapeutic for me. I was able to discuss how hopeless I felt in this situation and that we were talking about abortion which is something I never thought I would talk about. I was on the verge of crying the whole time.

He explained that humans have been doing this for thousands of years and they always found a way no matter how hopeless it all seemed. He offered himself as a resource and someone I could talk to. He gave me an online course on fatherhood to finish and told me if I finished it within two weeks he would give me a $200 gift card to the store of my choice. I jumped on this opportunity.

After we talked, I was taken back to the waiting room and subsequently called back again to a room where REDACTED was lying in a bed. We were shown a live ultrasound of our child and was able to hear the heartbeat.

One fight that absolutely broke my heart was a time when I was out Doordashing and REDACTED’s husband began texting me telling be REDACTED was having a meltdown in her car in a parking lot. That she was begging for him to come help her because she supposedly ran out of gas. I called her and said I was coming to help her, but she screamed at me that it had to be him. It had to be him…. I went anyway, but was greeted with her sobbing and screaming and her door was locked. She wouldn’t let me in. She said it had to be him. It was so theatrical that someone drove up to us in this empty parking lot to make sure everything was okay. Finally she acquiesced and came with me. On the way home I was on the verge of tears and she yelled at me telling me not to make this about myself.

Later when we went to go pickup her car, it had enough gas in it to get home…

The fighting only got worse and too much for me to cope. We had our last big blow up. I was being screamed at over something my sister had said to her and was completely out of my control. So much I was berated relentlessly over were things that were beyond my control.

I needed some space to breathe and I told her I needed to go talk to my mom. I got in my car and began driving down the street. She hopped in her car and chased me down the street. At the stop sign she got out of her car and began banging on my window.

I get to my mom’s apartment and I sit on the couch with her. I tried as hard as I could to act normally. My mom and I aren’t super always very open with our emotions with one another. After about five minutes she said “Things are pretty bad, huh?” And then the floodgates opened. I’m crying telling her I’m doing my best, but things are just so god awful. I can’t do anything right.

She then begins calling my mom over and over. She texts my mom saying she was in the apartment complex but didn’t know where my mom lived. So she was frantically running around the apartment complex being hysterical. My mom told her she needed to go home right now. I was worried about her, of course, but I couldn’t deal with her right now. I asked my sister and her boyfriend to go find REDACTED and please try to get her to go home. She eventually did go home and then she went completely silent.

After over an hour of silence, I grew worried. It wasn’t even a month prior that I had wrestled a handful of pills from her hands during a suicide attempt. So I did what she wanted. I went back to my home, the home I was on the lease of and had a key to, and I entered. But I had no plans to stay. I wanted to make sure REDACTED was alive. Once I verified she was alive I left to go stay at my sister’s home

This would later be used against me in court to make me seem like a stalker creep and was one of the three reasons the judge granted her DVO.

I stayed at my sister’s indefinitely.

Chapter 4

Previous chapters can be found here.

Things took off pretty fast. It didn’t come about instantaneously, though. There were still a lot of hard feelings regarding Outback, from her. I had decided it was best to move on and not dwell in the past. This is something REDACTED struggled with and would prove to be a reoccurring theme that continues to this day.

I made her a Spotify playlist, sent her sweet texts frequently, and invited her on a date. We were spending nearly every day together. I would spend nights there when REDACTED didn’t have her kids. I kept pressing to make things official. Eventually REDACTED told me REDACTED would tell me when REDACTED was ready.

We both drank, a lot. We were in a whirlwind of intoxicating love and intoxication from alcohol. REDACTED was always impulsive. It fan be either endearing or terrifying.

There was a time where REDACTED suggested that we go to a hotel and stay the night as well as swim. REDACTED booked the hotel and within the hour we were on our way there. REDACTED was excited. I was excited.

We pull into the parking lot about 20 minutes later and her excitement seemed to fade and her head was down in her lap.

REDACTED started sobbing claiming REDACTED would be a terrible mother to continue on this way. REDACTED had a children and yet REDACTED was gallivanting with a new man. We turned around. I got yelled at for going along with this and not stopping her. Another theme that would be reoccurring.

A week or so after, the date I had asked her on was about to come into fruition. I planned to take her to the 21C hotel art museum and the walking bridge. REDACTED wanted to drop by Outback first and take pictures with her coworkers and say hi for her birthday. I’m not allowed to go in at the time so I wait in my car.

I wait and I wait and I wait… After about an hour and a half I press her via text to come on. Eventually REDACTED comes out and I pick her up. REDACTED gets in and her head is down. REDACTED’s ill. REDACTED drank too much while inside and we had to go home and not on the date I planned.

We do end up making things official. I stay at her home almost every day. I spend time with her and her kids and they take to me really well. When things were good, they were great. It was impossible to know when I’d step on a land mine and the rage would come out though. It was more likely when REDACTED was intoxicated which was often. Don’t get me wrong, I love my beer, but REDACTED loves her shots. REDACTED’d go from 0 to 60 in the matter of a half hour.

There was a time here REDACTED tells me to pick her up a bottle. They didn’t have any half pints or smaller bottles and I end up getting her a fifth. REDACTED drinks a whole lot of it and I get absolutely berated for getting her a bottle that was too big.

One day REDACTED texts me saying REDACTED had to talk to me about something. When I get there REDACTED points to empty bottles and beer boxes and REDACTED tells me REDACTED wanted to get treatment for alcohol.

So I take her to Our Lady of Peace to be seen. It was her intention at first to be inpatient. Of course, if REDACTED’s going somewhere to get treated for alcoholism REDACTED might as well get drunk first.

We go into intake where they talk to her a bit and REDACTED had changed her mind and REDACTED went the outpatient route. This would entail her going every morning to group therapy for about 3 hours. To do this, I watched her kids every morning. I didn’t mind. It could be challenging but I got it done. Something that wasn’t addressed through treatment was her stimulant abuse.

One night while I’m at work REDACTED texts me telling Outback had fired her for drinking on the job.

Oh shit. This isn’t going to be pretty.

I get home and REDACTED is just wailing. It was audible and echoed throughout the entire house. I go to comfort her and REDACTED allows me for a while but I know the tides were about to turn on me. REDACTED rips into me blaming me exclaiming “isn’t this what you wanted!?”

It was my fault. I had tried to get her fired before. And all the stress I put her through caused her to drink on the job. Me being the cause of her drinking will be another reoccurring theme.

REDACTED didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get a new job. And for some reason I quit my job. It’s something REDACTED wanted as it would free me up to help her out, but ultimately it was my choice. I hated Applebees and I thought I could just DoorDash to make money. The issue I would soon find is that REDACTED never wanted me to go out DoorDashing and would I would spend some time out doing it, I would get called back by her for this or they.

Money problems began.

One day REDACTED tells me about an opportunity. There was this man who resided in Florida whom REDACTED had met at Outback. He would often send her checks for $1000. REDACTED tells me that he had given her a proposition. He wanted to give her $10,000. REDACTED said it would be great and we could use it to start a new life. Of course, I knew it would come at a price. REDACTED would have to do something. Something more than the pics and sent to get $1000.

He was coming into town soon. And he wanted to take her on a date. I knew there had to be more. So I pressed her for more details. He wanted to spend some time with her at a hotel as well. Obviously I raised an eyebrow. REDACTED clarified that it wouldn’t go all the way to that level. REDACTED said REDACTED wouldn’t do it if I didn’t approve. We needed the money and as long as sex wasn’t involved I was ok with it.

The date came. I was tracking her phone on phone. The whole thing was over by 9 with her at the hotel about a half hour. I picked her up.

I don’t know how we thought 10,000 could sustain us and 3 kids for any length of time. As the money dwindled, the mood shifted. I could tell when hellfire was about to rain down on me. If REDACTED had her notebook out and bank app open I was about to get torn to shreds. Her spending too much was always my fault. I should have stopped her from spending on this or that. Spending thousands on street Adderall didn’t help either.

Through our relationship, she easily stole thousands of dollars of merchandise from retail stores, mainly Target,

I was reliant on her for money and REDACTED was reliant on me for my car and childcare. I had to get a job because this wasn’t working. I begin sending out applications on Indeed. One day Drake’s calls and I get a job working there. I quickly took to the job as a server assistant and I do pretty well there.

Money problems continue but things get better. What I was making obviously still wasn’t enough so I put in an application for her unbeknownst to her. One day they call and REDACTED also gets a job there.

REDACTED goes in for her first day and REDACTED was having a horrible night. I watch the kids while REDACTED works. I had a ring staREDACTEDd away in the water heater closet, it was fairly cheap off Etsy but it was just the style REDACTED wanted. It was a black diamond engagement ring.

On her way home REDACTED calls me telling me we should get married. I more or less shut it down and tell her to be patient.

I grab the ring and put it in my pocket. Some time passed and REDACTED’s relaxing in her bed eating some tenders from Drake’s with honey mustard. I get on the side of the bed on both knees to share the tenders with her. I told her I loved her more than anyone in the world. REDACTED very sweetly asked “you promise?” I said yes and pulled the ring out. I opened the case and hover it over her belly and ask “Will you marry me?”

REDACTED was elated and very quickly says yes. I jump up on the bed to kiss her. We knock over the ramekins of honey mustard on the bed, but we didn’t care.

It was because.

About 36 hours later I get up out of bed in the morning just to go get something to drink. For some reason REDACTED’s peeing in a large metal bowl in the kitchen. I have clue why, too early, REDACTED laughs it off embarrassed.

I go back to bed. Like 5 minutes later REDACTED comes in saying Chris I have to show you something. I say “no no too early.” Somehow I knew what REDACTED was about to show me. It was a pregnancy test. I look at it and I say “yup… there’s a line. It’s faint but there’s a line.”

REDACTED was pregnant.

Chapter 3

If you haven’t read previous chapters you can find them here.

I was heartbroken after being disowned by a place I felt was a second home.

I didn’t know why I was fired, but I knew it had to be REDACTED. Lies from REDACTED. Retaliation from REDACTED after I did the right thing.

A few months went by and I eventually somewhat landed on my feet. I got a job at Applebees as a server.

One evening I get a text message from REDACTED’s sister inviting me to REDACTED house so the three of could talk.

I guess I’m just addicted to chaos so I obliged.

It was chaotic. The first thing they did was take my phone to make sure I wasn’t recording. There was a lot of yelling and crying from REDACTED as her sister stood in the middle as a barrier and attempting to play peacemaker.

REDACTED was very hurt that I reported her for the theft. She tried to rationalize it. Mind you, she got away with it and I lost my job.

At one point I was so uncomfortable I tried to leave while REDACTED was out of the room.

REDACTED walks into the kitchen and begins sobbing loudly saying “he’s leaving!?!”

It was clear to me that I meant something to REDACTED and she didn’t want us to hate each other.

A switch flipped within an hour of me being there and we began to get along. For some reason, I told REDACTED she could slap the shit out of me and she did. That was our truce. She then said I was staying the night while holding my hand. And I did.

A relationship began. It all happened in about the course of an hour and I still don’t fully understand.

Chapter 1

So I’m on night shift now. I’m at a relatively new job. Been here about 2 months. It’s corporate security for LG&E KU. The job is a lot and can be incredibly demanding as we oversee over 100 sites across Kentucky and Virginia. We deal with access control, alarms that alert us to possible suspicious activities, equipment failures, weather, fires, etc. On day shift I would take around 100 access calls a day and deal with a grab bag of mayhem. Switching to nights was a bit of a shock as I deal with… not much at all, but 2 operators have to be here 24/7/365.

I can’t have my own computer in here or use the internet on our work computers. But I have my phone. I think maybe I should learn to take use of this time and that means getting organized. It’s something I’ve been putting off way too long and the mountain of content I have to pour into the multi year narrative just keeps growing.

I tried to go no contact with REDACTED because I got sick of always trying to turn a benign conversation into a fight. Poking and prodding me trying to get me to react. This was our last conversation. It seemed to be going okay and then REDACTED asked me if I wanted him for Thanksgiving, already planning on not letting me have him.

All this may not seem too bad but it’s just a continuation of a pattern that I’ve had enough of. REDACTED lives to rage bait me and I’m not taking the bait anymore. It’s a pattern I plan to fully demonstrate as I fill out my story.

I made it nearly 3 weeks without talking to REDACTED. I try not to go too long without seeing Apollo. It’s difficult getting time with him because it just can’t be a simple task but a tedious one.

I got to see Apollo a week and a half prior at my mom’s. I spend 3 hours with him before I had to go home. When he saw me getting ready, he ran to the door attempting to turn the door knob. At first I thought it was him just arbitrarily playing, but my mom picked him up and took him to the couch. When she set him down, he ran to me crying. It broke my heart. I picked him up and went to the couch with him, held and soothed him. Eventually he got distracted by this toy car he can sit in and I had to sneak out, crying the whole way home.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I have a few off days coming up. I wanted to get him for a couple of days. I tried to use 3rd party contact using someone who watches him frequently and I live with. REDACTED wouldn’t relent. I had to be the one to contact her REDACTED said to use a parenting app we have used in the past.

We made plans for me to get him 9AM Thursday to 9AM Saturday. The morning of, REDACTED asked me to bring him a jacket and shoes for him. I got those, a pair of socks, and a sippy cup full of milk ready for him.

The exchange went pretty well compared to past exchanges. I took him, put him in his car seat and a pair of socks on him.

REDACTED had told me he wasn’t feeling well and woke up fussy. When we got back home I could tell he wasn’t feeling 100% but he was doing ok. He ran around the living room and playing with all his toys.

Every time I have him I’ll notice very subtle differences in his behavior. Just because of his development.

I noticed this time, a slightly different type of cry. For instance, he drops a toy and goes “Waaaaa.” It seemed like a forced cry and I thought it was funny and cute and of course I always tended to him immediately as I ALWAYS have done. I’ve never ignored his need for attention ever.

I also sent REDACTED $50 which is something I’ve been trying to do weekly. We don’t have a child support agreement and he’s also not legally my son which are things REDACTED dragged her feet on for months and held over my head to manipulate me and have a modicum of control.

The following is a conversation we had the first day I had Apollo. I blocked REDACTED thereafter.

I truly cannot win. I changed his clothes and sent REDACTED money. This can’t even qualify as the tip of the iceberg. It’s just a symptom of what I’ve dealt with for years. The very moment I react, it gets clipped and used against me. So I’m done engaging. The only tragedy is that might mean me not being able to see my son.

The last text I sent her before deleting the app was:

I wanted to go no contact for a reason. I wanted to have third parties deal with setting up arrangements for Apollo. I am so sick of the way you treat me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, you’ll continually find fault and antagonize me. Make me feel awful even though I’m trying. So I’m just going to delete this app. This is ridiculous. Apollo will be dropped off Saturday morning. I’m done with this. It’s so unnecessary. 

I’m a great father. I’m trying my best. As I said before, this story just keeps growing and I’m struggling to keep it all straight in my head. I have a domestic violence order against me despite me never committing DV.

I have been screamed at, threatened, harassed, manipulated, and abused.

I need to start organizing all this and getting my ducks in a row so that this harassment can stop.

I won’t be using REDACTED name or posting pictures or recordings. REDACTED being recorded is very triggering for her to the point where REDACTED has taken my phone in the past to make sure I wasn’t recording and that I wouldn’t call 911 or me finding my Ring camera that was charging inside on my front porch wrapped in a napkin and confined in a Tupperware bowl.

Right now all I have is a whole bunch of puzzle pieces and I need to put them into a clear, cohesive picture.

I hope that each one of these entries can work as a puzzle piece and once I have enough I can start building a clear picture for me, for REDACTED, for the courts, and I’d like the world to hear my story. I think this is something far too many men deal with and are silent because they have to be or because they think they should.

I am near certain if REDACTED catches wiff of this blog, REDACTED will take it as a sign of aggression. REDACTED will take it as violation of the “no unlawful contact” order we have or call it slander. She has threatened to throw me in jail for much less or made up reasons.

I’m not going to back down. I am exercising my 1st amendment right and am telling nothing but the truth.

I’ve got plenty of time on my hands now and a whole lot bouncing around in my head to get out.

This is where the story is presently. Now I must go to the past…

This will probably take weeks to finish and I’ll drop chapter as I complete them. I bought the domain http://www.highlyredacted.com which should be forwarding there soon.

There is just so much I’ve never shared and I’m tired of dwelling in it.